Talk to Your Kid Like A Legend

Every parent knows intuitively that how we talk to children is a critical factor in building their confidence.

In this newsletter, we're going to talk about how to talk to your kids like they’re Legends, so they’ll feel like one:

• I share a theory about four mindsets kids can develop based on how we talk to them—The Legend, The Villain, The Victim, & The Bum—and share tips for helping kids develop a Legend Mindset.

• Dean Sue shares her thoughts on praise, when, how, and why it’s helpful, and how she navigates giving feedback to her students at Duke.

But first, some background on why what we say matters so much.

☝️ First, kids’ self-image drives their behavior.

There’s a decades-old social psych concept called self-verification theory that essentially says: it’s easier for us to act in ways that are consistent with our self-image, and harder for us to act in ways that are inconsistent, because there’s a higher cognitive load to behavior that doesn’t line up with who we believe ourselves to be.

So if a child sees themselves as “bad,” it can feel easier for them to be rude, even if they know it will carry consequences. Parenting experts Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish refer to this kind of behavior as “getting stuck in a role”. Kids may want to change, but feel locked into patterns because of how they see themselves. 

✌️ Second, kids' self-image is shaped by the feedback they get from others, especially adults.

It’s well-documented that kids who feel that their teachers have low expectations for them experience a negative impact on their self-perception. Specifically, researchers have found the things kids hear from adults are often incorporated into their own personal self-talk, which we know plays a critical role in shaping self-image. 

This is obviously not true for 100% of kids, 100% of the time. But as a general rule, kids’ self-concept is influenced by what adults tell them about themselves—especially adults (like parents) in whom kids trust and on whom kids depend.

Stay Legendary,
Fish Stark
Head of Program & Curriculum
Legends

🔗 Legendary Links

• Patrick Mahomes’ Heart Rate Data From Bills Playoff Win (Pretty cool to see how biometrics be used to track aspects of confidence!)

• New Yorker: How Nikola Jokic Became The World’s Best Basketball Player (Hint: it involves confidence)

• How Microschools Are Transforming Education in 2024

• Why Schools Still Struggle To Provide Mental Health Resources for Students

• Better ways to say “good job”

• Andrew Huberman on the importance of self-regulation

• “Every human being has great story, if we’re willing to listen”

🦸 The Power of Positive Self-Image

I’ve spent my career working with kids in classrooms, summer camps and after-school programs as well as talking with plenty of parents. In that time, I’ve seen four different dynamics emerge around how kids absorb the feedback we give them, transform that feedback into a self-image, and behave in line with that self-image. I call these four dynamics The Legend, The Villain, The Victim, & The Bum.

Which of these images a kid adopts for themselves depends on a few things:

• How in control do I feel? Am I able to make decisions and act on them? Do I see myself as someone who does things or has things done to me

  • As you might guess, kids who feel in control—or have strong “self-belief”—are more likely to persevere through tough challenges and find it easier to self-soothe.

• What are my motivations? Am I someone who is helpful to others or am I someone who is out for myself?

  • Again, predictably, kids who see themselves as being “contributors" are more likely to have a positive self-image.

And the dynamics play out like this…

TAP TO FIND OUT 👉

💛 My Favorite Rule for Feedback

In the spirit of being uber transparent, I’ve generally had a pretty difficult time accepting feedback, especially related to my writing. Frankly, my confidence in my writing has always been quite low and as a result, I’ve struggled to share my writing with others, including in this newsletter. I’m grateful that my colleagues at Legends have become quite accustomed to editing my writing and I’ve learned to welcome it with open arms!

When I became a faculty member, required to evaluate student writing on exams and papers, I gave a lot of thought to how I might best provide comments that would be honest while also motivating students to do better. In other words, while I didn’t want to mislead students into believing they had done a superb job (if they hadn’t), I also didn’t want to deliver a crushing blow to their confidence. For me, this has not necessarily been an easy balance to strike.

As parents and child “cheerleaders,” you might find yourself facing a similar conundrum. How do you encourage your child and congratulate them on what they’ve achieved without delivering disingenuous, potentially harmful praise?

TAP TO HEAR HOW 👉