My Favorite Rule for Feedback

In the spirit of being uber transparent, I’ve generally had a pretty difficult time accepting feedback, especially related to my writing. Frankly, my confidence in my writing has always been quite low and as a result, I’ve struggled to share my writing with others, including in this newsletter. I’m grateful that my colleagues at Legends have become quite accustomed to editing my writing and I’ve learned to welcome it with open arms!

When I became a faculty member, required to evaluate student writing on exams and papers, I gave a lot of thought to how I might best provide comments that would be honest while also motivating students to do better. In other words, while I didn’t want to mislead students into believing they had done a superb job (if they hadn’t), I also didn’t want to deliver a crushing blow to their confidence. For me, this has not necessarily been an easy balance to strike.

As parents and child “cheerleaders,” you might find yourself facing a similar conundrum. How do you encourage your child and congratulate them on what they’ve achieved without delivering disingenuous, potentially harmful praise? 

For me, following the Golden Rule has worked best, meaning that I’ve tried to give feedback the way I would hope others would provide feedback to me.

What I’ve learned to appreciate as the recipient of feedback I’ve followed as the teacher: providing positive comments first, followed by constructive critique. And, if there’s not much positive to share, one can at least acknowledge the effort.

How does this all relate to giving feedback to children? Giving positive, approving comments to children is a critical aspect of their overall emotional growth, especially their development of confidence. That being said, research in this area is extensive and consistent, suggesting that for praise to be beneficial and effective, it needs to be specific, genuine and measured. It should not simply highlight a child’s natural abilities. A smile, a hug, a high-five, a fist bump—these can also be great ways to encourage and support, as long as they are not overused.  

Bottom line: Feedback is sometimes hard to receive but it may be even more difficult to provide in an effective way, especially to children. When in doubt, it’s best to be authentic and not overdo it in the praise department. Another thing to remember: sometimes just listening, expressing your love and being there for your child are as confidence-building as anything you can ever say to them!