The Power of Positive Self-Image

I’ve spent my career working with kids in classrooms, summer camps and after-school programs as well as talking with plenty of parents. In that time, I’ve seen four different dynamics emerge around how kids absorb the feedback we give them, transform that feedback into a self-image, and behave in line with that self-image. I call these four dynamics The Legend, The Villain, The Victim, & The Bum.

Which of these images a kid adopts for themselves depends on a few things:

• How in control do I feel? Am I able to make decisions and act on them? Do I see myself as someone who does things or has things done to me?

  • As you might guess, kids who feel in control—or have strong “self-belief”—are more likely to persevere through tough challenges and find it easier to self-soothe.

• What are my motivations? Am I someone who is helpful to others or am I someone who is out for myself?

  • Again, predictably, kids who see themselves as being “contributors" are more likely to have a positive self-image.

And the dynamics play out like this:

You've seen these play out before: rescuing leading to learned helplessness, harsh criticism leading to defiance, nagging leading to learned helplessness plus disconnection.

Unsurprisingly, we want kids to see themselves as Legends. Not just because it’s best for their development, but because it’s true! Kids often are more in control than they think they are, and are always getting better. While no one’s perfect, on the whole most kids want to do the right thing most of the time.

So here’s how you instill a Legend Mindset in your kids:

1️⃣ Hold High Expectations While Assuming Positive Intent

People are quick to assume negative intent behind problem behaviors when that isn’t always the case. Think about the times you might have been at the end of your patience and said (to a child, to a partner, to a sibling or parent) “Why can’t you just once…” or “Why couldn’t you be bothered to…”, making an implicit accusation of a negative motivation.

This doesn’t mean we should abandon expectations for how kids behave. It just means we should assume that kids’ challenging behaviors come from confusion about expectations, a temporary lack of self-control, or a lack of understanding around the impact of their behavior, versus a place of intentional disregard for others.

If we state the impact of the behavior and our expectation, rather than assigning implied negative intent, we help affirm an assumption that a child can and wants to do what’s needed, but just isn’t doing it right now. Even when it might not be true—and certainly even the most considerate kids can occasionally try to provoke on purpose—kids often modify their behavior to match our positive expectations.  

2️⃣ Give Them The Chance To Do Things Themselves

We’re too quick to step in and do things ourselves. Whether it’s nagging a kid to remember a chore or stepping in to solve a problem the moment a kid is frustrated, we make a prediction that a kid is going to struggle with something and step in to solve it at the first sign of trouble. We should be letting kids surprise us by showing that they’re capable beyond what we anticipated. This enables them to prove to themselves that they can struggle with something (even fail) and that, while it might not be the best experience, the world won’t end and they can move forward.

That doesn’t mean we should be indifferent to kids’ distress, but when we empathize with them and let them ask for help rather than taking over and offering it, we indicate our belief that they are in control and help them see themselves as in control, too.   

3️⃣ Use These Phrases to Bolster a Legend Mindset

This is not an exhaustive list, but here’s a starter pack of some of the top behaviors to repeat:

• Identify kids’ positive motivations for them, even when they don’t play out the ways kids hope.

  • “I noticed that you were trying really hard on your homework, working the problems out in different ways. Even though it was tricky to get to the solution, you really wanted to figure it out yourself.” 

• Give kids chances to see themselves as contributors with chores and one-off tasks where you clearly state the impact their help will have.

  • “It’s been a busy day for me and I know we’re all hungry. It would be a big help if you’d set the table so I can get dinner ready more quickly.” 

• Remind kids that struggling right now doesn’t mean struggling forever and give them the perspective that skills develop over time.

  • “I know this is tough for you right now. That’s OK. You’ll keep working at it, and I believe you’ll figure this out. It doesn’t have to happen now.” 

• Give kids practice making choices, with reasonable constraints, so that they recognize they are in control of their ability to get things done without being micromanaged.

  • “You can choose when you want to have iPad time tonight, but your homework needs to be done by 8pm.”