Three Pointers: Train up Before They Log on

We know that parents are worried about the impact social media can have on their kids but also, we know they understand that they can’t shield them from it forever.

Most parents want to help their kids navigate this new territory, so here are three things your kid needs before they log on to social media—and how confidence training can help.

1. “Common Humanity”: an understanding that everyone has challenges—no matter how their posts may make it seem.

Social media makes other people’s lives look perfect, which makes it easy for kids to believe that they are the only ones struggling and that they aren’t measuring up to their peers.

Kids need to understand that they are not alone—that no one is perfect, and everyone has challenges, makes mistakes, or faces disappointment, no matter what they post on their feed. Experts call this “common humanity” or an understanding that we are all imperfect.

That’s why so much of confidence training is about helping kids understand others, and making them aware of the fact that everyone deals with failure, disappointment, and rejection sometimes.

If you’re looking for a good exercise to practice your “Common Humanity” skills, try this short activity from the Greater Good Science Center at Berkeley.

2. “Self-concept stability”: a rock-solid sense of what’s true about them, which can’t be easily shaken by what someone else says.

When I was fourteen, I wrote short stories and posted them on Facebook. Some kids decided they wanted to tell me through Formspring (remember Formspring?) that I was a terrible writer.

And I believed them.

Despite what I heard from my English teachers, despite the fact that other people liked what I wrote, despite the fact that I felt good about my writing a few days prior—I really, truly thought that I wrote badly.

As a kid, my sense of self revolved too much around feedback from others. (This might be true for some of your kids, too.) I looked to other people to define who I was and what I was good at.

What I wish I had had were the tools to know exactly who I was and what I was good at—and feel confident that was true even when people tried to tell me otherwise. One term that’s used for this is self-concept stability— having a sense of who you are that is coherent from day to day, and doesn’t fluctuate too much with feedback.

That’s why we focus on giving kids space to reflect on themselves, so they can develop a stable sense of who they are and what they like—and try to redirect them away from focusing on others’ opinions and approval to define their sense of self.

3. “Social self-efficacy:”a belief in their ability to make and keep friends without using ‘likes’ as a metric.

Self-efficacy is the feeling that you can accomplish a goal—and social self-efficacy, specifically, is the feeling that you can make and keep friends.Researchers have found that people with higher social self-efficacy are less likely to experience internet addiction. Why is this?

Well, if you’re worried about your ability to make and keep friends, you may be more inclined to focus on meticulously curating your feed, obsessing over views and likes, and getting anxious over perceived snubs.

Those things all become less urgent when you have a strong sense of social self-efficacy. The more sure you are that your friends are your friends, the less you need to worry about your like count.

That’s why it’s so important for confidence training to teach kids the skills to believe in themselves generally—and specifically to help them feel more comfortable in their interactions with others.

One simple first step you can take as a parent: point out ways in which you see your kid being a good friend and being respected by peers their age. This feedback, what self-efficacy theorists call verbal persuasion, will help them see the ways in which they’re able to get people to like them; no posting necessary.

If you want direct access to our team of educators, sneak peeks at Legends products, and the opportunity to participate in what we’re building— plus a community of parents and educators who care about transforming education and building confident kids—email [email protected] and we’ll add you to Insiders.