Three Pointers: Let's get visual

"Seeing is believing" is a simple way of describing what famed psychologist and self-efficacy researcher Albert Bandura called “vicarious experience.” He defined it as "seeing people similar to oneself succeed by sustained effort" and it's a foundational part of building confidence.

Here are three ways you can help your kids see themselves as capable through the example of others—inspired by Bandura’s wisdom.

Forget celebrities—choose models who are close to home.

Bandura believed that your belief in yourself isn’t going to be influenced a whole lot by someone else’s story if you see that person as very different from you. So instead of sharing celebrities or child prodigies doing amazing things, share stories of your child’s family, friends, and community members to help your child see what’s possible for them. Chances are, your kid’s more likely to believe in their ability to improve at sports by thinking about their cousin who won a soccer scholarship to a D2 college, than about Lebron James’ four championship rings.

Don’t just share their success, explain the process it took to get there.

Bandura believed that seeing other people’s success doesn’t just make us more confident because it helps us see what’s possible—it’s because it shows us how to get there. Knowing you can reach the destination is great. But having a roadmap—concrete tools that can help you find your way— is even better. The best kind of vicarious experiences show us both.

But not every role model takes the time to explain their process in great depth. That’s where you come in. Point out to kids all of the work— the effort, the feedback, the failures, even the rest and restoration—that go into the success of their role models, both the celebrities and those close to home.

Because kids absorb role models’ failures too—help them understand that failure is temporary.

Here’s the dark side of vicarious experience. Bandura believed that it gives us confidence to watch people similar to us succeed. He also believed that we lost confidence when we watched people similar to us fail.

That’s why it’s so important to reframe failure for kids as just another step on the road to success. The story your kid needs to be telling themselves is, “they put in a lot of effort and came up short this time, but it’ll pay off. Rather than, “they put in a lot of effort, and it was all for nothing.” They need your help to get there.

And if you need help with that, check out tips on how to prepare your kids for failure.

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