How to Help a Kid Who’s Too Tough on Themselves

When you look at our national survey results, one thing is clear: kids are being hard on themselves. (And research on college students shows that this kind of perfectionism is on the rise.)

More than any other element of self-confidence, our data shows that kids struggle with what researchers call self-compassion: treating yourself well, with kindness and understanding, especially when you fail or make mistakes.  

Even for a kid who knows that they’re capable and loved, constant self-criticism can drag them down over time. There’s lots of research on how to build your own self-compassion as an adult. But what do you say to a kid who is struggling with being kind to themselves?

1. Show them they’re not the only one having a hard time.

One of the most common things people with low self-compassion struggle with is isolation—in this case, that means feeling alone in whatever they’re struggling with. Kids especially—with their limited sense of perspective—worry that they’re the only ones with the problem, or that they have it worse.

Sometimes, the most important thing they need is to know they’re not alone. That everyone struggles with making friends—for some people, quite a lot. That no one does perfectly in school - and that many people struggle with concepts and get them down the line. That having a bad day or feeling down doesn’t mean something is wrong with you - it means you’re normal. (As Nicolette, a psychological researcher in our Insiders community, shared last week, feeling “normal”—as in, not separate from their peers— is really important to kids.)

Kids will be resistant to this message if it comes in the form of “You should be grateful, because other people have it worse.” (They’ll come to realize that on their own over time!)

But saying “I know this is hard right now. This is something that a lot of people have trouble with. I know you’ll get through it, just like them”— and reminding kids about people in their lives or in the media who are dealing with the same issue—can help them feel less alone.

2. When they’re down on themselves, point out evidence to the contrary.

Kids who struggle with self-compassion often find themselves trapped in cognitive distortions - negative thought loops that simply aren’t true. They have a bad social experience and feel that no one likes them; they get a bad grade on one quiz and feel they can’t ever succeed in school.

There’s no magic cure to disappear cognitive distortions, but we do know that when you go beyond simply challenging them and present specific evidence that they’re not true - it’s easier to overcome them.

When you hear your kid engaging in negative self-talk—say, about school—your default response might be something like “That’s not true. You’re great at math!” An upgrade to that response could be: “You sound really discouraged about your last quiz. But I remember that you did well on the fractions test a few weeks ago, and your teacher said you were doing well on your last report card. Sounds like this unit is hard, but I know you can get it in time. Can I help?”

I wouldn’t suggest busting this technique out at a time where your kid is highly dysregulated - they’re not likely to listen to logic until they’ve calmed down - but instead when they’re in one of the quieter moments of worry.

3. Create a “Mistake Ritual” for your family.

We all mess up—or fail outright—sometimes. And even as adults, it can be hard to process those moments and get back up again.

One technique that athletes use - and that the folks at Positive Coaching Alliance recommend teaching to kids is a “mistake ritual.” Here’s how it works: when athletes make a mistake on the field, they make a motion - brushing off their shoulders, “flushing” the mistake down with a mock toilet handle to symbolize that yeah, I messed up, I acknowledged it, and I’m putting it behind me.

Ignoring mistakes and avoiding failure is tempting for kids but it won’t help them treat themselves more kindly. Learning how to briefly acknowledge and move on from mistakes is key— and finding a brief (and maybe even silly!) way to move past mess-ups will give them a tool they can use when a mistake feels overwhelming.

If you want direct access to our team of educators, sneak peeks at Legends products, and the opportunity to participate in what we’re building— plus a community of parents and educators who care about transforming education and building confident kids—email [email protected] and we’ll add you to Insiders.