Three Pointers: How To Prepare Your Kid To Independently Use Technology

We know tech has the power to improve our lives. And like any powerful thing - it can cause harm, too.

As kids start to use social media, get their own phones, and access tech in other ways, it’s a good idea to monitor their use and set reasonable limits—this recent New York Times article provides strong, specific guidelines for how to do both.

But there will come a day, even if it’s when your kid turns 18, where they’re using technology relatively independently, making their own decisions about when and how they engage online.

How do we prepare them for that moment?

It’s especially tough when the tools kids use and the culture of online interactions are changing faster than we can imagine. (For instance, teenage Fish got in trouble at school for trash-talking the principal on his blog—a scenario I’m pretty sure my kids won’t encounter!)

But here are some tips that can help:

1. Talk through scenarios of what could happen—and what they would do.

If you’re looking for strong, research-based guidance on online safety, I always recommend the Cyberbulling Research Center at Florida Atlantic University. Center Co-Director Dr. Sameer Hinduja and I served on the International Bullying Prevention Association Board together - he’s the real deal, and if you’re looking for smart, up-to-date, unbiased information about keeping your kids safe online, his center is the best source. (I also recommend Common Sense Media.)

One of the best resources the CRC offers is this set of scenarios - 23 short stories about things that could go wrong online, and discussion questions. Some of the stories are jarring - but they’re not sensationalized or graphic, and they’re all based on events that have happened in real life.

If you have a tween who is about to get started on social media - you might consider sitting down with them and talking through some of these scenarios. Just like “mental rehearsal” can help athletes or performers gear up for a big event, thinking through scenarios like these can help kids be aware of bad outcomes and be prepared to respond and protect themselves.

One thing I particularly like about this activity is that it sometimes asks kids to take the perspective of a parent, principal, or someone else responsible for protecting kids, and asks what they would do in their position. We want kids to feel a clear sense of responsibility - and know that there are people around them who can help.

2. Prepare them to ask for help when they need it.

Most of the worst-case scenarios parents imagine online - cyberbullying, tech addiction, predators, scams - start small and escalate over time. Early intervention - when your kid first starts to notice something is “off” or feel uncomfortable - can keep a situation from going from bad to worse.

But kids often don’t report when they feel uncomfortable online. By some measures, as few as 11% of kids who are cyberbullied tell their parents about it.

Reminding your kids to ask for help if something online makes them feel uncomfortable, upset, or unsafe is the first step.

First, consider telling them: “Whatever’s going on, you won’t be in trouble. I’ll just be glad you asked for help.” Research on “amnesty policies” at colleges show us that adolescents are more likely to ask for help in dangerous situations if they know punishment is off the table. (And the more you react to your kids’ mistakes with patience and empathy now, the more you’ll build their trust that they can come to you when they’re in a sticky situation.)

Second - ask them to come up with a list of other people they can tell if something feels uncomfortable online, including peers and at least one other adult, like a family friend. Sometimes there are things kids don’t want to talk to Mom or Dad about - and it’s important they have others to turn to.

3. Help them recognize “tech burnout” - and take healthy breaks.

We’ve all been there: we’re bored and stressed and not really having a good time online, but we keep scrolling, or switching back and forth between browser tabs, searching for the dopamine rush of just the right content.

The “burnout” effect of tech or social media overuse is real. (Scholars at Texas A&M have even suggested a way to quantify it.) But a lot of us - not just kids! - don’t have the tools to recognize when we’re suffering from it, and that the answer is a short break - not more content.

(And breaks do work - one study from researchers at Cornell and Penn found that interruptions in content consumption improved people’s ability to log off social media by 22%.)

So what can you do?

First - model it. “Oof - my eyes are tired. I’m going to take a break.” If kids see you acknowledging your screen burnout, unplugging, and returning, it’ll be easier for them to do it, too.

Second - identify short, screen-free activities that you and your kid enjoy doing together - taking the dog for a walk around the block, watering the garden, playing a round of darts or cornhole. Then when you see the signs of tech burnout - a vacant stare, frustrated responses, you can say, “Want to [do x] for a few minutes and then come back to the iPad?” They may choose to come back - or they may find something else to do - but at least you’ll have helped them find an easy, fun way to interrupt themselves when they’re feeling burned out.

In my experience, I notice kids tend to worry that if they acknowledge any kind of screen burnout, the adults in their lives will see this as a sign to take technology away entirely. You can show them that you understand technology is a part of life - but that a healthier, happier approach to it requires stepping away now and then.

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