Three Pointers: How to Quiet kids’ Inner Critic

There’s a lot of “conventional wisdom” out there when it comes to helping kids quiet their inner critic. And some of it isn’t very wise at all.

Here are three common tactics that won’t work when trying to get your kid out of a negative thought spiral—and three things to try instead…

1. Instead of “That’s not true, you’re not ______________,” try “I remember the time when you ____________.”

Of course the moment a kid says something negative about themselves, we want to jump in and directly challenge the thought. “That’s not true at all, you’re not stupid!” “But you do have lots of friends!”

But this can backfire for two reasons:

• It’s hard to push away a thought. Research shows that when we try to push back on negative thoughts, they end up sticking harder. (Researchers call this an “ironic process”—and it is a bit ironic that trying not to think of something makes you think of it more!)

• Our brains tend to focus on the words we hear at the end of sentences. So if we hear someone say something like “you’re not a loser,” what sticks in our memory most strongly is “loser.” (The technical term for this is “recency effect”—and also it’s why experts also recommend you tell your kids what to do, rather than what not to do, when correcting behavior.)

Instead, try indirectly challenging the thought by sharing a new, positive thought—like a memory of a specific thing they did that proves the negative self-talk wrong.

For instance, when I was a summer camp director, when a kid would feel left out and complain “I don’t have any friends!” my response would be something like: “Hmm. I hear that you feel lonely right now. I remember how excited Hunter was when you showed up this morning and joined in the soccer game.”

2. Instead of keeping the thought spiral going, try bringing it to a quick stop with movement or breathing.

When your kid is upset, it’s tempting to try and “talk it out” until you’ve put the negative self-talk to bed.

The problem is that if your kid is stressed out, they’re going to have a hard time reasoning their way out of the spiral of bad thoughts—even with your help.

If you get the sense that your kid is “stuck” on a negative thought, suggest some exercise (a walk, a game, jumping jacks) or taking deep breaths together— whichever works best for your kid.

Either one will help lower their stress levels. The thought may go away on its own— or at least you’ll be in a better position to talk about it.

3. Instead of telling them about positive self-talk, try showing them by practicing out loud yourself.

What your kid says to themselves in their head is a mirror image of what they hear you say out loud.

Which means if you want them to have a positive “talk track” in their minds – the best way to do it is to do your own positive self-talk, out loud, in front of them.

I know it’s awkward to verbalize thoughts and feelings out loud. I wouldn’t be recommending it if I wasn’t certain it works.

But it does, and there’s proof. (For instance, this research discusses how, when teachers model positive self-talk, students follow suit, and then have higher rates of task completion.)

So if you’d like your kid to say things in their head like “This is tough, but I know I can do it” - say that to yourself, out loud, in their presence, before you take on your most challenging task of the day. If you want them to say “I made a mistake, but I can fix it,” say it out loud, in their presence, when you’re most frustrated with yourself.

I promise you won’t sound too much like Stuart Smalley. (Just a little bit.)

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