Encouraging Independence

Although I’ve probably heard it hundreds of times, I am still enormously concerned when a parent talks about their child’s engagement in after school activities, sports teams, or the college admissions process and uses the pronoun “we.” “We are trying out for the soccer team” or “we hope to be good enough to get admitted to that school/college” or “we are considering whether to take that standardized test again” or “we are trying to figure out what interests are best to pursue.”

The importance of parental participation in a child’s life is well-documented. Yet, this involvement can become excessive to the point that the child no longer has the opportunity to take responsibility for their own decisions, to develop confidence, to practice gaining independence and to experience consequences. In other words, this “we” approach delays a child’s ability to mature and grow towards adulthood.

Clearly, young children need their parents’ help to keep them safe and to help them make certain decisions. But once children reach a certain age and maturity, it’s time to let them take charge.

With this in mind, how can parents best support their children as they try to discover and pursue their interests? The simple, yet sometimes challenging answer to this question is this: Try to provide, as best you can, as many (within reason) opportunities to your child as your time and personal resources permit, allow them to experience these various activities, observe what they enjoy, and then encourage (not force) them to pursue those things that make them feel fulfilled and happy without worrying about where this involvement might “take them.”

In other words, the goal of encouraging a child’s interests should not be based on achieving certain goals (e.g., successful college admissions) but instead, on enhancing the child’s life experience by providing opportunities for them to learn about themselves and to find their “jam.”

In the words of Sister Sledge, “We Are Family” is good and important, but not always!