Confidence Through Independence

When I saw the headline “This Simple Fix Can Help Anxious Kids” in the New York Times this weekend, I have to admit I grimaced.

I don’t really believe in “simple fixes.” Kids are complicated and attempts to boil down parenting to its simplest form often lead to black-or-white thinking that doesn’t work with any real-life child.

Then I read the article and quickly realized I was wrong. This “simple fix” was a solid one, with new evidence backing it up.

The article comes from the Let Grow Project, an organization I’ve long admired that makes the (correct) argument that we can build stronger, tougher, smarter kids by letting them do more things on their own and allowing them to assume a little risk. I’ve always appreciated their arguments that our overzealous safety culture often teaches kids to fear the world, rather than helping them survive in it.

But this article went further. It offered new evidence that giving kids more independence really works to improve their mental toughness.

Of course, this is easier said than done. Very few people dislike the idea of kids becoming more independent. But going about it is tough, so here are three ways to approach it:

Ask “What cool things would you like to do on your own?”

That’s what Dr. Camilo Ortiz, a therapist who treats children with anxiety, asks his patients. It’s the first step in what he’s calling “independence therapy.” Once a kid identifies—for themselves—things they want to start doing on their own, Dr. Ortiz offers encouragement and goal-setting help.

More testing is required, but it seems that this independence therapy approach may be even better at reducing anxiety than cognitive-behavioral therapy, which has long been considered the gold standard.

But you don’t need to be a therapist to help your kid identify things they’d like to do on their own. Ask the question, see what comes up, and start working with them on a plan. (As the parent, you still get to set the boundaries, of course! )

More is better: Build a big list and choose from it daily.

When kids become more independent in one way, it helps them become more independent in every way. Dr. Ortiz recommends helping kids identify and do an independence activity every day (even if it’s something small) because every time a kid steps outside their comfort zone and survives, their brain becomes that much more able to handle risk and adventure.

You might consider writing a big list with your child of things they want to try (or choose from the 100+ ideas offered by the Let Grow project here.)

Find safe ways for them to explore the neighborhood by themselves.

When we asked Legends Insider parents what they let their kids do on their own to build independence, Kristen C. felt strongly about giving kids the opportunity to go places on their own (with permission, of course). Her 10-year-old is allowed to ride his bike to the convenience store a mile away for errands for the family, or candy runs for himself. Her 8-year-old walks his younger sister to playdates within the neighborhood. Sometimes giving kids free reign to explore their surroundings away from a parent’s watchful eye can help them feel powerful and prepared.

A note on safety: research shows that despite media sensationalism kidnappings and violent crimes have measurably decreased since today’s parents were kids. If it was safe enough for kids to be outside alone in the 80s and 90s, it’s just as safe now, if not more so. Every neighborhood is different, of course.