Boundaries Without Meltdowns

Every parent I’ve met wants to establish boundaries around screen time and social media.

But I’ve heard from so many families that conversations around boundaries turn into drawn-out power struggles, complete with shouting and sulking. No one enjoys these, and often they lead to parents imposing rules that are either looser or more restrictive than they mean to, out of a desire to just end the conversation already.

Here’s my playbook for approaching these conversations:

Start by acknowledging their feelings about screen time and social media.

Kids often enter conversations about screen time tense and defensive. You can help defuse this by sharing what you’ve heard is important to them. Most kids want more tech access because they don’t want to feel left out, they believe it’ll help them explore their interests, or they find it fun and relaxing. (Not so unlike adults.) 

Validating their feelings doesn’t mean giving them exactly what they want. It means helping them feel heard and understood, which puts them in a place where they’re ready to listen to you.

For example:

“You feel left out because your friends have phones and you don’t. I can see how you would feel that way.”

“You wish you could just use the iPad whenever you want. I hear you.”

“I get that you think having a Snapchat account would help you stay in touch with your friends after school and give you opportunities to be creative. Those are fair reasons to want one.”

Then, describe your concerns.

Be frank and direct without being alarmist. Try to focus on the outcomes and behaviors you do want, not what you don’t want. Get your kid nodding along and create a feeling that you’re “on the same team” and give your reasons clearly.

For example:

“I want you to feel happy, confident, and focused. But science shows that people who spend a lot of time on social media end up feeling the opposite way: irritated, distracted, and not good about themselves. That’s why I’m worried about you getting a TikTok account.”

“I want to make sure you have plenty of time in your day for reading, sports, and schoolwork, as well as being online.”

“I want your game time to be something that makes you feel relaxed and positive. If you’re chatting with people you don’t know, there’s a risk someone could say something hurtful.”

Come up with a list of solutions and write everything down.

Grab a pen and paper or your notes app and ask: “How can we solve this problem?” Ask your kid for ideas and write them down (even if you know you won’t agree). Write down your ideas, too (even if you’re willing to compromise on some of them). It’ll help to come to the table with some specific solutions you want to try, like time limits on certain apps or devices, ways privileges need to be earned over time, or media that can only be used while you’re watching.

For example:

“We need to come up with a solution that lets you have some freedom and responsibility and lets me do my job of keeping you safe and happy. Let’s write down our ideas. I’ll say what I think might work, and you say what you think. We’ll write them all down and decide later.”

Go through the list and determine your plan.

Go through the list together and begin crossing out ideas that won’t work and circling ones that will. Ultimately, it’s your job to keep your kid safe and healthy, so the final say is yours. The goal is to find solutions that you can both live with, if it’s possible.

You might find that your kid is willing to agree to more than you think, or even imposes stronger restrictions on themselves than you were planning on! Whenever you have to reject one of their ideas, give your reasons, but if they’ve shared an idea that will work, make a show of complimenting their problem-solving skills.

Is it possible your kid resists this whole process, or doesn’t take it seriously? Sure. But you can just remind them of the alternative: you make the decision without their input.

Most kids will choose to engage. I know because I’ve used this process to work through issues with students in the past. And because it was developed by Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish, whose book How to Talk So Kids Will Listen & How to Listen So Kids Will Talk is the gold standard for communicating with your kid in a way that really works.

A final note: if you haven’t already, read Sue’s article. She shares the most important thing to keep in mind when trying to shape healthy technology habits in your kids. I can’t say it better than her.