A Legendary Memo: Stop Telling Kids to Believe in Themselves

I spent this weekend with my daughter talking about a dream she has. She’s insightful and inquisitive, so wants to try journalism– but there’s a catch: her inner voice told her she won’t be very good.

I wanted to tell her not to listen to that voice, and that she just needed to believe in herself.

But then I remembered an essay from one of my favorite writers, Ryan Holiday, called “Believing in yourself is overrated.”

His point is: she doesn’t just need to imagine success.

What she needs is evidence she can be successful. 

That’s what confidence is—and research suggests he’s right.

There are just three things I need to do to help her:

1. Encourage practice

I’ll start with expectation setting: at the beginning, her work isn’t going to be perfect.

In fact, she shouldn’t expect her first articles to be very good at all. But that doesn’t mean she shouldn’t try.

Ira Glass often talks about “The Gap”: when a creative person begins a new project, there’s usually a big gap between their taste (usually great) and their early results (usually bad).

The only way to bridge that gap? Practice.

2. Encourage commitment

Practice requires a volume of work. So I’ll be encouraging my daughter to write regularly, over an extended period of time.

In Ryan Holliday’s essay, he talked about his writing practice.

He wrote every day for six years before he wrote his first book. And while his inner voice made him doubt whether he could successfully write an entire book, his volume of work gave him evidence success was possible.

That’s confidence.

3. Practice- even when it’s hard, and isn’t convenient

Ryan writes a lot about Stoicism and parenting, and often quotes a Latin expression: “Luctor et Emergo”, which means, “I struggle and emerge.” Without struggle, no one will know what you’re capable of–not even yourself.

I know my daughter will have moments of struggle, so she should be prepared to navigate them well. The best way to learn is to practice difficult moments… before she gets to them.

Therefore, I’m going to encourage her to keep writing and interviewing people, even when it isn’t convenient or feels really hard. Because while struggle doesn’t usually feel “fun,” it can give way to a new feeling: accomplishment.

Why this matters

Even though I’m encouraging my daughter in this pursuit, I don’t care if she becomes a journalist. I only care that she tries hard, struggles along the way, and still keeps going. That’s it.

Why?

I’ve found that the most interesting parts of life can happen when things don’t go as planned.

And from time to time, I know she’ll be confronted with situations that make her feel uneasy or scared. And when that time comes, she’ll need to rely on someone—and that someone should be her.

How can she know she can rely upon herself? She’ll have evidence because she put the work in. 

And in those moments, I hope she’ll remember that success is possible. Failure is survivable.

And ultimately, what matters most isn't just that she believes in herself– but that she has a reason to.